Funny

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ... - Louis Hector Berlioz

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart. - Melanie Griffith

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. - Mark Twain

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. - Homer Simpson

You laugh because I'm different...........

I laugh cause I just farted!

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'. -Homer Simpson

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.